C-h-o-p-p-e-d and SkReWEd

"Youre running through the forest, youre running through the forest, youre running through the forest, youre running through the forest...STOP, you hit a TREE"

2008...
A year that I WILL NEVER FORGET. I've had a life for 19 years, and in 365 days...my life seem to just past me by. I've gone through death(S), family illnesses, my own illnesses, UPS, downs, new friendships, letting go of ONE relationship situation, school-highs and lows, having money, being totally broke more times than not, felt needed, felt disowned, experianced some things I probablly will never again...OMG! When will it STOP!

2008...

Its almost been an entire year that Ive been without my grandma. Its hard to resist this urge I get when Im sitting at home BORED..and all I want to do is call her up. My heart is totally broken...Ill never look at Valentines Day the same again.

ANYWHO...

Happy HOlidAys to all!

What was the most CraZiest NeWs in 2008??
5. Its SNOWing in ARIzOna and LaS VeGas, NeVada- the most in 30 years!!
4. We are still fighting in a war in Iraq...and we still dont know exactly why??? And that is why someone took it upon their self to chuck two shoes at PRES. GWB
3. GAS PRICES HIT $5.00/Economy crash
2. JEnnIfEr HuDsOn FaMiLy DeAtHs (prayers still go out)
1. AS IF YOU DIDNT KNOW: PreSident EleCt B. OBAMA
*he even has women naming their children after hiM

Movie??? (my opinion)
5.A family that Preys
4.27 dresses
3.Seven Pounds
2.Wanted
1.sex and the city

My Fave Song in no order
I kissed a Girl- Katy Perry
Love in the Club-Ush
All Summer Long- Kid Rock
Bleeding Love- Leona Lewis
A Milli-Lil Wayne
Cant Believe it- T-WAYNE
Paper Planes/Swagga Like US-MIA/JAYZ
1.Take A Bow- Rihanna
*OMG--I DIDNT INCLUDE A BEYONCE SONG*AND I LOVE BEYONCE*

I FeEl sLigHTly iNaPpROpRiATe

So OBAMA, My President, is HOT!!

Blast from the PaSt

What is it like to KNOW someone is wrong for your life, but you do everything in your power to keep them around?? What sense does that make? Keeping a HEADACHE in your life to cause more drama. Relationships can cause one of the biggest headaches. My friends and I...all have that one GuY...did us so wrong but for some reason we allowed it over and over AGaiN. Well HE is that BlaSt frOm THe PaST...guess the dogs want to come home when the streets get cold. I think that the guys who are bad for you always seem to come around when you are vulnerable and lonely..when the idea of their company doesnt seem too bad of an idea. ITs like a Bobby and Whitney little "situation" But I can not fall for the GaMe...

happily ever after (for now)

CALLING ALL THE SINGLE LADIES...Who does Beyonce have fooled? How much more single lady..women empowerment...songs can she put out there with that $5 million ring loading her finger down. Shes been with JayZ for 9835230 years and counting. I mean dont get me wrong, I AM THE BIGGEST BONNIE AND CLYDE SUPPORTER EVER. I love seeing them together. I hate the fact that Beyonce is talking about her wedding and marriage...I think that the mystery about them kept ppl wanting more. But anywhooo...I want a relationship like that. I mean a love like that. I just wish that I had something like that, someone that made me want to write a song about them like "flaws n all", "dangerously in love" siggggggggghhhhhhhhhh :(
I would love to know when my next love will come my way...I think Ive been watching too many chick-flicks and that is why i am feeling all mushy and wishing to be loved and given attention. I go to a school with about 12000 people and just to save face, ill say that 6000 of them are males. 3000 are not my type, 2000 are gay or in a relationship. 500 of them are too young or too old. 300 are uninterested in me or too intimidated by me for some reason, or dogs. That leaves about 200 that could possibly be ok, its probablly less than that to be honest. But Im open. For both B and Dawn from Danity Kane they had to look outside of their age range so maybe thats what I may have to do. Mom wont be too excited if I bring home some 21+ year old, but we shall see.

HOTTEST IN THE INDUSTRY

This video is the by far the hottest music video i've seen in years....CIARA is def. the Janet Jackson of the 21st c. wow...like she is sick...



And he claims he is still married...happily??? whatt? this is the SEXIEST video ever....although Usher's cd sucked compared to his others...this video is the true essance of Usher Raymond IV....I LOVE IT

A statistic...

Ive never felt any more lost than i do now...lost in a statistic...another dead beat father leaves his "baby's mother" to raise HIS child ALONE. Why do men believe that they have less of the responsibility to raise their child they soo mindlessly created? Is it because they have less of an attachment? I guess carrying a little being inside of you for 9 months does create a strong unbreakable bond that a man will never know. But to chalk a parent/child bond up to a few checks that can not even break the bank it takes to raise a child is ridiculous!
MAN UP...

mood

i am totally annoyed with everything in my life. the people too. Im tired of being led on to believe one thing and then showed the next. I am flustered and confused. I want to be non-combative but the more annoyed i am, the more real and blut i become. I am stresse and tired. I havent had a good nights rest since before i came to school for RA training. RA Training there are both positives and negatives....met a potential...but i no longer have a life. my responsibility list has risen 10 fold....gosh! but i am prepared to take the challenge and run with it...even if i run away screaming.

-t

missing you

I miss you, its been too long
since we've talked, since weve shared our favorite songs
touching you, your scent
all things that I miss
I wish things were different
I wish you werent so far away
even though you really aren't
a phone call will do
just to hear your voice
to know that you miss me too
knowing that you miss me and you
maybe its for the better
maybe time will tell
until then my heart is in a jail cell
locked away with you, the only key holder
until you come back to me
until you set my heart free
now i guess ill have less distractions
less contractions
in my brain, over thinking
over dreaming
about the nonsense that comes along
from not getting along
it is sent from up above
what I speak of...it is LOVE




Its been a long time since I have been in a realtionship. I kind of forgot what it felt like to be soo in love. I wouldnt mind LOVE entering my life now. I think I am at a stable point in my life. How long do I have to wait to fall in love again?? HmMmMmm..

quickness

-IM GOING TO NEBRASKA ON FRIDAY....FOR A FUN VISIT...HAVENT HAD ONE OF THOSE IN A MINUTE!
*im from omaha, ne
-NCAT: AUG 6th....Resident Assistant/CLM training
*it shall be interesting, ill have pics lol
-NEW ADVICE TO LIVE BY: LET GO OF THOSE WHO HOLD YOU BACK. BE IN PROGRESSIVE MODE AT ALL TIMES, IF SOMEONE DOES NOTHING BUT BRING DRAMA AND TROUBLED TIMES....LET IT GO....IF LOVING THEM HURTS MORE THAN BRINGS YOU HAPPINESS...LET IT GO...ALL RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD BE BENEFICIAL

Characteristics of leadership

Today I spent a long period of my day applying for a copious amount of scholarships, to my moms strong advice...one of the scholarships asked " What personal characteristics are most important to you in a presidential candidate and why?" Usually, a scholarship selection committee would want a well thought-out answer full of flowery and detailed writing. Luckily for me, this scholarship committee stated that they were looking for the most interesting answer, something to make the judges laugh. I am sure that with the many bloppers and Freudian slips that George W. Bush has made over the past 8 years, thinking of such a fruitful answer would not be hard to come by. For instance....
- "They misunderestimated me"
- "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs arent able to practice their love with women all across this country."
- "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

If you read the quotes slow and word for world, you'll understand why they coined the infamous quotes "BUSHISMS".

So on the flip side lets take this question seriously. What characteristics do you believe the President of the US should possess?
Should we just look at the President or the overall cabinet, because they too will be making decisions that can affect this country?

I voted for the democratic primaries. I was happy as ever to do so too. In high school I did my graduate project on the feminism era of the 1960s. An era that changed the lining of what a female role was, with the help of Betty Friedan's ever so controversial book "The Feminine Mystique" A book that took away the "stepford wife" persona to give the stepping stones to the woman of today, strong, couragous and ambitious as ever. Fast forward 48 years and there we have Senator Hilliary R. Clinton. I applaud her for taking a stand, for being the first woman to reach such heights in politics. She has some qualities that I believe the President should possess. But I believe this presidential race has brought about an ugly side of her. Where I believe a vindictive side can surface which eventually will bring down our country to an all time low.

And then there is Senator OBAMA... a genuine breathe of fresh air. A man with poise who wants to bring about great change for the United States of America. BUSH was a reprising role of his father, and CLINTON a female Bill...but OBAMA...we have change, not only skin deep but for what he has shown...real change. OBAMA maintained a level head and relied on his morals and willingness to serve as President as an asset to the country, not to himself.

To be present...to think about life now, for the people of today.
accountable....for actions...and mistakes
responsible
civil
rational
irrational...sometimes decisions need to be made quickly
confident
humble

WAY TO SAVE $$ ON TEXTBOOKS

Cheap Textbook Rentals. Search for Used Textbooks and Rent College Textbooks.
Source: www.chegg.com
Save up to 80% or more on college textbooks! Rent textbooks from Chegg, #1 in textbook rentals. Fast delivery and free return shipping.



OK Soo this textbook Rental website I just found is like the Blockbuster/Nextflix for books....you rent the book for more than 80% off the price you would at the school bookstore and for even less than the money YOU THINK you would be saving at textbook buy back time. THE SITE IS TOTALLY SECURED by the better business bureau and paypal.
*lets say you drop your class...as long as its within 15 days of getting the book you can get a full refund...or you can get 50% back if its within 30 days...
*You rent the books for a SEMESTER, QUATER, OR SUMMER all for cheaper prices for the smaller lengeth you hold the book*At the end of your rental time, if you seemed to have fallen in love with the book..you can BUY it for the remainder price.
***SHIPPING IS CHEAP: $0.99 for the first book and FREE for the books to follow (7-10 days)

PS: FOR ALL YOU ECO-FRIENDLY/ GO GREEN HEADS: everytime you rent a book, a tree is planted.so think, you save trees buy recycling books and you add to their population

Color Mood

Red: .Target .the place of my employment. Sigh...that place annoys the hell out of me. Maybe not...maybe its just my co-workers. These grown ass men and women who've been doing the same job, Im doing now, for 10+ years but cant move up any higher in the position ladder, they all carry this chip on their shoulder thinking they own the place or something. It drives me bananas. But I cant complain too much, Ive been working here for 2 years now and I get paid fairly well...THANK GOD school is starting.
SCHOOL= BREAK FROM THE RED AND KHAKI uniform


Blue and Gold: North Carolina Agriculture and Technical State University. I am more than ready for school to start.
Aug. 6----R.A. (Resident Assistant) training begins!
Target and Bed Bath and Beyond has a lot of stuff that I am interested in grabbing before school starts. Only thing is, unlike last year, I dont have piles of graduation cards coming in the mail that included MONEY for these items. hmmp.

o00oOOO00 So BOOKS...College textbooks are the worse investment in the world!! You buy them new and within the time of one semester then they become invaluable. So this year NCAT bookstore is not getting my $. I searched for all of the books I needed at ABEBOOKS and I found all of my books for a total of $200 , verses the $600 I would of paid at the bookstore!! Check it out...its a "life"saver

Green: My grandma's favorite color. Carrie Ann Austin....its really been 5 months today....on Valentines Day 2008. I still dont believe she's gone. I found myself wanting to pick up the phone to call her and get all the scoop on everybody in the family. But I cant.
Cancer....cancer did it...Diabetes...diabetes did it...the Doctors...YES, they too did it...their carelessness to diagnose her early, esp. after her complaining of pains numerous times. I am so bitter, mad, irate, pissed...sad ( and any other word you want to add) I dont think Ill ever cope with it and get that "closure" that everybody keeps telling me I need to find... :( But I do have this to look to once in a while....whenever I feel blue.

What Cancer Can't Do
Caner is so LIMITED
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit
-unknown
This is the poem that was printed in Her eulogy

BEAUTIFUL

Choice and Responsibility

As I peruse one of my fave celebrity blogs CONCRETELOOP , I find the pictures Ive been searching for. Pictures of Usher Raymond V!!! He is a cutie, Im glad he doesnt appear to have that God forsaking nose!! During his interview with hottie Hill Harper( whom I heard is dating Gabrielle Union) for this months Essence Mag. Usher speaks about how becoming a father and a husband has changed his life. Speaking about his son, "Because now I represent what he is to become. He’s gonna admire me, he’s gonna look up to me. He’s gonna say, “I wanna be”—or he should say— “I wanna be like my father. I wanna be a man of valor. I wanna possess what my father has as a man.” To get married was a choice. To have a child is a responsibility." How could you deny a man that takes responsibility, stepping to the plate for his child.

And then you have my father. A man who begged to have a child because, out of him and his 4 other brothers, he was the only one to not have any children. Then here I come... In the beginning, I was the sparkle of his eye. He would show me off to any and everybody that cared or not. At the age of six my mother decided to move from Omaha, NE to the east coast of VA Beach, in hopes of finding better opportunity and a chance to find someone other than my dad who proved not to be one for commitment ..and there he went, out of my mothers life and mine too. Not to mention I went to visit Nebraska every summer. But here it is almost 19 years since and he has not proved to be the father that it looks like Usher has become in the last 9 months. THAT IS SAD...Lets not mention that since me, my dad has helped conceive 4 other children, whom live with him but he still proves to be a sucky father to them too.
Its so pathetic, I talk so much shyt about how much I hate my dad for not being there for me, but once he is in my presence I swear I melt and become this daddy's girl. Lately, I have become less enthused and naive to his lies and empty promises. But all the same, if he were to turn around a complete 180...I would welcome him with open arms.
I only hope to find a MAN that will be a real father to my future children, I refuse to continue this cycle.

NOTE TO ALL FUTURE FATHERS...dont fall victim to this revolving cycle. Commit to your responsibility...when you CHOOSE to create them...be a MAN...FATHER.

So this thing called love

So this "love" topic keeps resurfacing its ugly head...

On FACEBOOK
I stated on my status that i was now "accepting applications, requirements: common sense ..." what a statement! The comments started flocking in...from those who thought that common sense was too much to ask and from those who claim to have what it takes..hell and those "applying" for the position in my inbox...I think that common sense is the best thing to ask for. Think about it, You should have the common sense not to lie, cheat, sabotage...etc. You should have the common sense to love, be honest, upfront, caring and worthy...etc.
I am 18...have i loved before? Sure have! Some would think that I am too young for such responsibility...the responsibility of loving to a point of uncondition.
I think about the fact that, my parents met at the age of 19...my one grandmother was married at the age of 19...by 19, my other grandmother was already married and working on her third child.
Is age still a factor?
What about levels of maturity??
College: do you find your future?

What happens when you fin someone, now...you know that they might be the best thing for you, but for some reason you are willing to risk that happily ever after and you give them up. Falling for that ever so "if its meant to be, it will happen" statement. Clearly there is something missing from the relationship that makes you want to search for someone else. Does it make it harder when the other person is so desperately for sure that they want you and only you?


l
o
v
e

what an emotion...makes you do crazy things

open ya MIND

this is a video of Jay-Zs performance at GLASTONBURY...dude from Oasis hating on Hip Hop and the fact that JAYZ was the headline act, in what was once an all ROCK festival ...get over it buddy...as P.DIDDY says, "Hip Hop is alive!"

the secret

Ever loved, but couldnt tell
couldnt yell
it
over a speak-ker
about her...him
didnt life seem dim?
felt robbed or shamed
with no one to blame
but u
for this love was taboo
and that was something you already knew
from the start... the beginning
so this life you are sinning
every time you sneak
for a peak
of what life could be
with her...him
damn life is grim
a kiss in the elevator
or what could of been
but wasnt...for there was hesitation
scared of the door opening
the secret opening
a can of worms
both lives scorn
so you wait
chance up for bait
then that date
arrived
when they were inside
we alone
done
now the games have begun
long talks til the morning
knowing damn well you gotta work
but youll make it work
all apart of the game
all things done in the dark
the looks noone else notices
but they say things in the dark
always come to light
maybe on a drunken night...

hahahah

i am...tired
8-5...not made for me
luke warm , frazzled
is this real life?
cant be
if so, i gotta make some moves
switch up the rules
like ricky ross
and become my own BOSS
yerp, thats a new plan
the future looks shiny
gotta take a stand

The First

Is this supposed to be the 2008 Xanga.com for College students?
Its funny Ive been looking for an out like this to express my thoughts for a while. I tired to revive Xanga but that time has passed since Facebook. But this shall be my rEaLItY ChECk until something new pops!

I have a lot on my mind...these are continuous thoughts that will re-surface again and again...for they trouble me now, and quite possibly forever will.

-Love: I love. Quite quirky. I dont understand it. They made me like them and care about them...I had no intentions on doing so. But now I'm stuck...but, I like it.

-Death: It Strikes again...and again...once someone is born, someone is slain...Coping with the one death that has rocked the core of my being.

-Friendship: Does the truth eat at you when you are too afraid to use it? But when you do, does it eat at your friendship? Which is worse?

"I have a Friend...who has a Friend...and what had happened was..." It hurts to care more than those care for themselves. To want better for someone than they want for themselves. To see their opportunity wasted within their stupidity. Its always easy to see someone else's problems, I know. BUT, To do stupid things and put yourself in ridiculous situations and then look lost and wait to be rescued...then when tested to see if you learned from your mistake, you daringly do it again, laughing at the sight and the satisfaction that you have a pillow...known as a friend...to fall back on. Thats insulting. To not only down your self but to disrespect your friendship is outright sad. And so the truth is unveiled, and the truth is sometimes spilled out like an erupting volcano. Hot and piercing with each word and statement. Rude, even. Maybe if had the time to think it over...that truth possibly could have been told in a better way. Nethertheless the truth is out and it is relevant.

FAVE QUOTE: in the words of D.Saunders: "If you look good ,then you feel good...if you feel good, you play good...if you play good, they pay good...if they pay good, you live good"